She's Got Legs
by Scorpio71
Summary: Did you ever have one of those let the floor open up and swallow me whole moments? Yeah? Well, this one is Strife's.


TITLE: She's Got Legs

FANDOM: Herc/Xena verse. Bloom County Comic Strip.

CHARACTERS: Strife (main), cameos by; Ares, Deimos, Phobos, Eris, Enyo and Apollo.

RATING: G

WARNING: Total fluff. No nutritional value whatsoever. Empty calories ahead.

DISCLAIMER: The characters used in this story are owned by Ren Pics and Flat Earth Productions. I am not making any money from this work.

DISCLAIMER 2: The title of this story comes from a ZZ Top song as do the various lyrics sprinkled through out. ZZ Top is: Billy Gibbons, Dusty Hill and Frank Beard.

DISCLAIMER 3: The idea for this story was taken directly from a single (sequence or "episode") strip of the comic "Bloom County" written by Berke Breathed. I take no credit whatsoever. Mr. Breathed is a comedic genius. I merely changed his characters to those of the Greek Gods of the House of War. _::snickers::_

Opus - Strife _::giggle-snort::_

Steve Dallas - Ares

Binkley - Phobos

Milo Bloom - Enyo

Hodge Podge - Deimos

Portney - Eris

SUMMARY: Ever have one of those "please let the floor open up and swallow me whole" moments? Yeah? Well, this one is Strife's.

**

* * *

****She's Got Legs**

_by Scorpio_

* * *

One of the cool things about being a God is the perks that the mortals just don't get to share. I mean, most of us take our duties seriously and all, but if there's a way to, I don't know...squeeze just that little extra bit of enjoyment out of it then, hey, so what? And if we spread that extra stuff around? Who's gonna say no? 

Take Apollo's need for revenge as an example.

Now, his Bearded Broodiness basically had me, Mom and the bumble twins concentrating on Jerkucles. Between muscles-for-brains and Xena, Jerkules is the bigger pain in the ass and he requires almost constant watching. Xena on the other hand is smarter, more aware of reality and can be reasoned with on occasion. Plus I think his Violent Horniness prefers to deal with her personally so that he can peek down her leather bustier, if ya know what I mean.

So, when Apollo came to hire me to inflict my own unique brand of torment on Xena's little bard friend I had to get special permission from 'Unc Grumpiness to do it. His Big Badness was fine with that as long as I didn't actually kill any of them and Apollo wanted the girl to suffer, not to die. So that worked out good. Apparently, she had been a follower of his for years then turned around and dropped him like a hot rock over some bit of stupidity called "The Way".

I had a lot of fun with that job since Gabby had given up all her rights for godly protection from both Apollo and Artemis with her apostasy. We're talking; bee stings, mice in her backpack, dog poop under her boot heels, bad hair, chipped teeth, poison ivy, stubbed toes, swarms of mosquitoes, bird crap falling out of the sky, missing ink pots and an overly friendly goat that followed her around for several days. It all built up to my big finish where I managed to turn an entire village marketplace against her by getting her blamed for an overturned cart of vegetables, a pottery vender with a bunch of smashed and shattered wares screaming at her, a tavern owner left to deal with a bar brawl over one of her stories and several rabid mothers defending their brats' tarnished reputations from the "mean lady". Apollo's ex-bard had ended up in tears before lunch on that particular day.

And that's what led me to here, standing in Apollo's golden and way too brightly decorated atrium while waiting for him to go get his 'thank-you gift' for me. Sort of a bonus for a job well done, I guess. See, part of Apollo's duty is to predict the future and because of that he spends a lot of his work day in the Hall of Time. About a decade ago Apollo 'accidentally' skipped ahead too far and came across something called Rock and Roll. Him also being the God of Music had nothing to do with this, I'm sure. Still, it was a great find and with a few exceptions all of us Gods love the stuff. Of course, those of us in the House of War prefer it a little harder and raw than those in the other Houses. Oh...speaking of that, heads up if you ever go to visit Cupid. His Mom is a total freak for those boybands. Dite gets together with Erato, Terpsichore and when she's around, Persephone and they wax all eloquent about how cute the boys are. It's...sappy, to say the least.

Me, give me rockin' guitar chords and a funky back beat any day and I'm a happy camper. I got me this new setup back at the Halls of War so that I don't disturb his Black Leatheriness. Or set Greagus to howling. You have no idea what sort of racket a dog that's as big as a horse can make when he's "singing along" to the music. Although, there was this one time that I got the big mutt going, Phobos recorded his caterwauling and then played it back for a bunch of sleeping mortals. Woke 'em up in one-second and then scared them straight into Hades' waiting arms the next. Pho was so thrilled by the results that he spent two hours creating treats for the idiot dog and then fed the stupid mutt till he puked. That's okay though, 'cause I just sent the disgusting stuff to its new home in Jerkules' boots. Oddly enough, Jerky-boy sounded a lot like Greagus' singing when he found it the next morning. Heh-heh.

Oooo, here comes Apollo with my gift! I can't wait!

* * *

Strife was very excited. The playback diskette held music made by a group he hadn't heard of yet, but Apollo had assured him that he would enjoy it a lot. As the God of Music, Apollo liked _everything_ that came out, but he knew everyone's personal taste and he never disappointed. If he thought that Strife would like it then it was a pretty sure bet that the Mischief God was in for a good time. 

Carefully sliding the disk into the playback machine, Strife plugged in his newest toy; a set of recording studio quality headphones. This would ensure that no one else would be disturbed by his music. Double checking everything once to be sure that he wasn't forgetting anything, Strife put on the headphones in time to hear the first notes of a song played by the band called 'ZZ Top'.

Funky and electronic with a cool back beat; Strife started bopping his head up and down in time to the music. Soon, his right foot began tapping along as well.

That's when the lyrics began. The voice was unusual, but very smooth. Mellow. Without realizing it, Strife began to hum along. Possibly because he couldn't hear anything beyond what was pouring into his ears because of the headphones, Strife didn't realize just how loud his humming was.

The bridge hit and Strife was awash in killer guitar riffs and that endlessly funky back beat. His shoulders began to shift and sway even as he pointed a finger at the playback machine and sent a jolt of power to it so that its setting would switch to 'repeat'.

Closing his eyes and losing himself in the music that seemed to take up residence in his very veins, Strife began to bop and sway even as his hands came up to grasp onto an imaginary musical instrument; an air guitar. Shifting his weight from one foot to the next and back again in time to the beat, Strife began to pretend to strum the guitar. His fingers found imaginary frets and plucked at imaginary strings.

"She's got leeeegggssssss! And she knows how to uuuuuusssseeee themmmm!"

Strife bounced on the balls of his feet faster and faster until he finally left the ground and caught air. A few jumps and twists and then Strife's hips got into the grove as he swished and pranced across the room. And his fingers kept playing his imaginary guitar as his voice alternated between humming and warbling the lyrics.

"She's my baaaabeeee! Oh, she's my baaaabeeee! It's all right!"

* * *

A wild shriek pierced the air and Ares looked up from where he had been studying his map of the northern Greek borders. His twin sister Eris was looking up at him, her face caught somewhere between a scowl and an expression of surprise. 

"That sounded like Strife."

Ares blinked. It did sound like Strife, he could admit that. But what on Olympus could make him let out such a noise?

"You don't suppose that he electrocuted himself with one of Deimos' toys again, do you?"

A smirk flickered quickly across his sister's delicate and lovely face and Ares knew that she was remembering the time that Strife had stumbled across Deimos' old science project. Athena had chided him about learning how to incorporate other God's specialties into his own life and Deimos had retaliated on that slur of his intelligence by figuring out how to channel one of the Old Goat's lightening bolts into a devise that, when hooked up to a mortal, would cook them in a very slow and very painful manner. Deimos called it electrocution torture. Strife had found it, thought it was a sex-toy and hooked himself up to it. His screams had echoed from the rafters for three days and as soon as Asclepius had cleared him medically for duty again the stupid fool had hooked himself back up to it and electrocuted himself a second time. Deimos had to finally lock the silly thing up to keep Strife away from it.

Another howl broke Ares' and Eris' thoughts and they both jumped slightly. The dark twins shared a long glance at each other, then as one they turned and began to follow the sound to its source.

* * *

Strife bopped and bounced. He twirled and spun. He rocked back and forth with his eyes closed and his fingers jamming on his air guitar. The fingers of one hand was lovingly wrapped around a nonexistent guitar neck as chords were found and quickly replaced by other chords. The fingers of his other hand strummed and plucked at the imaginary strings of his air guitar where it rested against his stomach. 

"She's so fiiii-iinne! She's all miiii-iinne! The girl is all right!"

And still, the funky back beat pounded through his veins and Strife rocked on.

* * *

Ares rushed down the dark stone corridor with his twin Eris right behind him. As they dashed passed the open door of the armory another set of twins looked up at the commotion from their spot of the floor where they were following 'Pop's Rule Number 3: Always clean the blades before you put them back _exactly_ where you found them or _else_!' 

Deimos was blonde and buff, like their brother Cupid. He wasn't the sharpest sword in the armory, but he was strong, cruel and good with his hands. Phobos was dark and thin to the point of looking anorexic. He was very smart, but he was incredibly shy and had a whole room full of neurotic tendencies that usually tripped him up. However, despite their many differences, they were twins and did have some similarities. Their eyes were identical, they were both hopelessly in love with Jett; the King of Assassins and they were each fanatically loyal to their father Ares.

All it took was a quick shared look for them both to abandon their chores in the armory and then they were up and running down the corridor after their Pop and Aunt Eris even as they wondered what in the name of Tartarus could get both War and Discord to shake ass down the hall that fast.

"Should we..."

"Yeah, we should."

Not knowing what was wrong but fearing the worst, Phobos mentally called for their older sister Enyo to come help. She was the Goddess of Honorable Warriors and was almost as good at kicking ass as their Pop. And with Discord, Pain and Panic to back them up then nothing could stand in their way. Briefly, he wondered if he should also call Strife, but then dismissed the idea. Aunt Eris or Pop would do that, he was sure.

* * *

"She's got leeeegggggssss! And she knows how to uuuuussssseee themmmm!" 

Strife bopped and bounced and strummed his way through another killer riff. He swayed on his feet and shook his ass in time to the drums even as he threw his head back and hummed the bass line.

He kicked out a leg into the air and then bounced twice before doing a little jig. He twisted and he turned. He jumped and he grinded. He opened his eyes...and came to a sudden jarring halt as all sounds died in his instantly dry throat.

"Uh-oh."

Standing in the open doorway was the Broody Hairstyle himself and arrayed in front of the God of War was his mother Eris as well as his cousins; Enyo, Deimos and Phobos. Deimos had a small lit candle stud in one hand and was holding it high over his head even as the other four clapped their hands while grinning inanely at him.

An overwhelming wave of embarrassment washed up over Strife and strangled him on the spot. He couldn't breath. Spots formed before his eyes. In a rush of relief, Strife welcomed the blackness that came to claim him as he passed out on the floor.

_Discovered at last...the famous Rock-n-Roll air guitarist slumps to the stage..._

_his air guitar sprawled across his chest. He is fatally embarrassed._

Soft footsteps approaching tried to encroach on Strife's dim sense of awareness. Ares and Enyo stood on one side of his prone body while the danger-twins stood on the other. His mother, the bitch, dropped to her knees next to him and leaned over to pull off his headphones and shout into his ear.

"Shall I let the Air Groupies in now?"

Oh, Zeus...Strife thought, I'm _never_ going to live this one down.

_**The End**_


End file.
